Finding the voice

Anyone for seeing Half Blood Prince on Friday?

It would have to be late-ish. I get out of work at 8:30.

I suppose it's been a bit since I posted.

This summer has whizzed by.

After the show, we went on vacation the following week. We drove to Cincinnati and went to the Newport Aquarium, which was a lot of fun. Then we travelled to the IKEA store and spent three hours there wandering about, checking out all the WAY COOL things, and having lunch at the cafe.
Tuesday we went to the zoo and renewed our memberships for two years, and got memberships for Greg and Meagan as well. They're wonderful friends.
Wednesday was our canoe trip down Big Darby creek. It was a nice, cool day with overcast skies. We had a great time.
Thursday I finally gave in and got ill, which ruined going to a baseball game, but it would have been standing room only anyways, so no big loss.
Friday I remained ill, which foiled plans for Red, White, and Boom. Again, not a huge loss. We ended up seeing the fireworks anyway from the highway.

Then my Hell Week at work. Working 8a to 8p Monday through Friday, and the ACM was on vacation. That was terror. but I made it through.
Saturday I recooperated, and Sunday Cathryn and I went on another canoe trip with Scott and some of his work buddies. We had a canoe to ourselves, and had a great time with some beautiful scenery. Oh, and we were constantly drenched by Scott and his PADDLE of DOOOOOM.

Now I'm here, at work, on a Tuesday. A regular work week with regular hours. Dante just gave me a metric tonne of Heroclix for Cathryn to play with. She'll be super excited tonight.

I've completed one of my goals and am now officially less than 200 lbs. (195 this morning). I've lost 55 lbs since February, and I feel great. I haven't bought new clothes yet, but it's in the works once summer is over. I'm nearly down to a 36 waist and could probably comfortably fit in a size Large Tshirt. In February, I was squeezing into a 42 waist and my shirt size was 2XL. I've come a long way. It's hard for me to remember where I was, except for when I put on pants that used to be tight and find that now if I don't wear a belt with them, they literally fall right off me. I'm still not done, though. I've got about 25 to 35 more pounds to lose before I'm finished losing, but in my mind, the hard part is done. I've conditioned myself to eating properly, and I know that I CAN lose weight, and it's not difficult to do.

So, how's your day?

I'm not mentioned specifically, but they do mention my portion of the program, and refers to 'many talented soloists'.

It's a fair and balanced review, and I'll take it as a win.

Read for yourself!

I was on the news!!!!!!!!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wuIO2JIZ3V8


Also, here's a teaser for the show... I'm in there about 5 times. The editor must love me. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-cNVt3dys0&NR=1



The show tonight was just awesome. My solo went over well, and the audience just amplified and energized our performance. There were mistakes, but there was SO MUCH that went right, you didn't notice.
Greg, Meagan, Marc and Cathryn loved the show. Scott and Bion seemed to enjoy it, as well. I bought them tickets because I wanted them to see it. I knew they'd have a good time.
I'm excited about the show tomorrow. The lasst show of the season. I'm not sad about it, and with tonight's performance doing so well, I'm not nervous or stressed. It's gonna be great.

Night folks!

80's concert is tomorrow.

We're still going forth with the Michael Jackson medley. It seems a fitting tribute to the man who first introduced me to 'Pop.'

It still doesn't register that he's dead. I didn't even know until I got to practice.

I kid you not. I knew I wantd to sing and perform because of this man.
I would listen to Thriller over and over again. I memorized the words. I took one of my mother's good white gloves and dowsed it with glue and glitter. I'd dance around, singing with the record, trying to moonwalk. I was 8.

Now, 27 years later, I'm dancing the moonwalk in a sequined glove, and singing his songs in front of 700 people.

Dream fulfilled.

Thank you, Michael.

Waking up at 7 to be at work by 8. Leaving work at 5 to go home, grab a hot pocket, then practice from 6 to 11. Come home.

Rinse. Repeat.

Today we have no rehearsal. Tomorrow is run through and Friday is the show.

I'm really tired, nervous and excited.

I'm not solid on everything yet, but I'll get there.

Hopefully before Friday.

Saturday

Went to Pride. Walked the entire parade with the CGMS float, and passed out over 1000 flyers for the performance. Had great responses from the crowd, and there was a LOT of honest to goodness support from the crowd. I felt a deep sense of purpose being there this year, with the chorus. And I could have been happier knowing that my daughte rwas there with me all the way. She rode on the float and took the job of passing water to those walking in the parade. I love my daughter so much.
We sang at the festival after the parade, then headed out in search of the shint, shiny shirt. Our first stop landed us a bright orange shirt for three bucks , and one our way to pay for it, we noticed an amazing black sequined halter top for 6 bucks. After careful deliberation, we decide d that it would work to combine the two into one amazing piece of clothing, and purchased both. A bit of running to Joann's and a side trip to DSW for Cathryn shoes later, we were finished with our shopping and back at Meagan's, working on the shirt and toga for the show.

Sunday

Surprise call from Rob in France. We talked for a good while, and had a wonderful chat, cut short by needs to be elsewhere on both parts. I will say just once that I sincerely adore having such a good friend, even if he is on the other side of the world.
Made lunch of brats and mashed potatoes for Cathryn, Marc and myself, then I buggered off for a 6 hour practice.
Stopped at Meagan's afterward, and OH MY GOD, the shirt looks fantastic. Words cannot express how much I love my friends. They made me look five times better than I really should. I'm going to need another reason to wear this shirt. Really. It's THAT awesoome.

Now, I'm about to head for bed. I have a week of working 8 to 5 ahead of me, with practices from 6 to 10. Friday and Saturday is the show.

Then I have vacation. Sweet, fun filled vacation.

I'll need it.

I heard you asking.

"Matthew," you asked, "What did you do last night?"

Well, let me show you.


You see, I had all these peaches...



My sous chef, Marc, peeled and sliced the whole mess.

... then I added a bit of flour, ginger, cinnamon, splenda, and lemon juice. Marc made a request to add a handful of raisins. I considered this request, and thought of no reason why peaches and raisins could not be friends, and thusly, a handful was generously added.




There it goes, into a pie pan. But what's that stuff on top there, you ask?
Why that's a bit of shredded mozzerella cheese, my friend. Strange though it may sound, bear with me. Trust in your piemaker.



I fashioned the top...


... assembled it, and crimped the edge.


Your piemaker at work.


There, now doesn't that look pretty?



Cathryn thinks so. And in the oven it goes.


After fifteen minutes, it gets a little foil hat. Then more baking until...



... It's finished!

After cooling, a tasting was had. All in attendance confirmed that the Peach Pie of 2009 was a great success! The ginger blends nicely with the peach, and the mozzerella adds a mild, mellow note to the sweetness.

In case you're wondering, No. I didn't fall off the weight loss wagon. I'm at 200 lbs, almost precisely. I've lost 50 lbs.
I *heart* the act of baking pies.
I'm not going to give up something I absolutely love, just because I desire to be thinner.
Yes, I had a small, small piece. I'll have one tomorrow, too. All in careful moderation. I guarantee you, I'm not going to find that 50 lbs. I lost in that pie.


This is me. At work, just last week. Several people told me I looked good that day, so I thought I'd snap a shot.



Yanno what?

They were right.

The Columbus Gay Men's Chorus is having a float in the Pride parade on Saturday, and Cathryn and I will be walking with it distributing flyers promoting our upcoming show, We Love the 80's. Afterwards, the chorus will be performing on the Pridefest stage.

Cathryn is amazingly pro-gay. She's not the least bit embarrassed to have a gay father. Quite the opposite, really. She's excited to go with me and show her support. She bought a pin this weekend at the mall that said 'Yay for Gay!' I can't say enough about what a relief and a joy it is to have a daughter that's so accepting.

Alice the Goon from Popeye...


Creeped me the fuck out.

Actually, most of the characters in Popeye freaked me out.

I logged into LJ this morning to write about my trip. I started writing, then felt an odd sense of deja-vu.
Lo and behold, I already posted about my trip last night! I remember doing it now, but I was in a bit of a margarita haze, so it wasn't as eloquent as it could have been.
I wish LJ had a margarita filter. :D Enter garbled saltylime randomness, and out comes complete, well written sentences with meaning.

I drove down to Ohio to attend Granma's memorial this weekend. DRove dwon Friday during the day and made record time. Woke up Thursday morning, had a cup of coffee and then drove to Bellfower, MO for the memorial. It was a small church, and by the time the service started, it was filled to overfloweing with friends, relatives and acquaintences who had been, ion some way, touched by my grandmother.
During the service, she was describe as the glue that kept out family together. This is not an untrue fact. She kept everyone notified of birthdays, anniversaries, and miscellany. She was no gossip hound, but she kept everyone in the know about everyone else's goings on.
I went down expecting to sing one song. I ended up singing three throughout the service. I was happy to sing them It seemed only proper. Granma couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, but she sure appreciated good music. I sang for her, carefully choosing who to look at, as I knew I couldn't break down until after I was done with the last song, 'I'll fly away.' I managed to keep my composure until I was done,then I collapsed on Cathryn's shoulder. She took my burden, and cried with me. I love my daughter.
After the service, we had a dinner at my parent's church. Many people came for the dinner and fellowship, and I made sure to thank each and every one of them, as well as the wonderful people who put the dinner together for my mom and dad. I wanted them to know that their kindness had not gone unnoticed. I was proud that I could sing for my Granma's services. She was a wonderful woman and touched many lives.
After we got back from the cemetery, I went to the river with Cathryn and we skipped rocks before the sunset. Then we headed home and said our goodbyes to Mom and dad before heading home.
The trip back was awful. My butt hurt from sitting down so much. Then I wasn't paying attention and got on I-55 Northd for 45 minutes before realising I was going the wrong way. An hgour and a half late, I was back on the right road, but not happy about it.
Today I got up, returned the car, then went to Chorus practice for solo tryouts.
I landed the solo that I wanted. I'm so increadibly proud and excited thattI canhardly contain myself. Cathryn told me to try out for this solo. I did, and I got it.
I can't say what it is, because I want it to be a surprise for all the people coming to see it, but I can say it's an 80's TV theme, and one of my favorites. :)
I'm so lucky to get it. I'm lucky to be a part of this wonderful chorus. I just wish Granma woud've stuck around to hear it. But I know she's listening.

I can't sing I'll Fly Away anymore.
It's Granma's song now.

I love her so much. She knew that, and that's all that matters.

______________________________________________________________

I'm back in Ohio.
Where I belong.

Thanks for everyone's kind words/thoughts/prayers/love.

You are all my friends, and I'm proud as hell of each and every one of you, whether I've met you or not.
Thank you.

Cathryn flies in tonight about 10. I cleaned up her room a bit yesterday after work. It's a mostly futile effort, as she'll have everything thrown about as soon as she gets in, but at least her bed is made.
I've had two people today tell me I look like I've lost a lot of weight. Which I have. Fourty five pounds, exactly. It's very nice that people are noticing. Maybe it's just the outfit, but I feel great. My self confidence is improving. Which is good, because I've got to audition for solos on Sunday. Speaking of which...

Saturday I'll be in St. Louis, attending my Granma's memorial service. It's still hard to really accept she's gone, but the memorial service will give me some closure, I think. I'll be singing for it, provided I can keep from getting choked up. I think I'll be alright, but I won't know until I get down there.

Ugh. Nnnggh.

BAD.

I was in a relationship with someone who tried to 'better me'. He gave advice on how to dress, where to go, where to shop, and his opinions were always 'right'. He liked bigger guys, and was all the time taking me out to eat, or buying food or snacks for me. I liked it because it was attention and free food, and what fat kid doesn't like people handing him cake? But I didn't 'want' to be overweight, and he wasn't helping that.
Really, wht he was trying to do was make me into a less abusive version of his last boyfriend because he wanted out of that relationship, didn't want to be in a 'relationship' with me, but didn't want to be alone.

I was changed. We all get changed by relationships. If we're not, then you're not really in a relationship. At least I can look back on it and see that I'm not that person anymore.
I'm better off for it, in all honesty. I mean, you can't be happy about where you are unless you know where you've been.

She died this morning, surrounded by her daughters and loved ones.

I'll miss her, but I got the chance to tell her good bye, to see her once more, and to let her know how much I loved her and just how much she meant to me.


I love you, Granma.

Last night was the annual Gay Men's Chorus fundraiser night, Forte. The theme was 80's prom night, and although my situation didn't allow me to purchase a full price ticket, I wanted to do my part and help out, so I volunteered to help at the event.
It was amazing. I first assisted with the champagne table, and opened about 5 or 6 cases of champagne. More corks than I've pulled in my entire life to date in a single hour! Barefoot Bubbly was the brand, and I got to sample a bit of it. Fun, fun, fun!
After that, I manned the table for drink tickets. They sold rather well, and we had enough volunteers that I could get out on the dance floor occasionally and cut a rug with my friends in the chorus.
Anyways, it was a delightful evening, and I have pics to prove it.

First though, here's the reason I went out and bought new pants yesterday:




Those pants used to be tight. Go me.




Here's the aforementioned new pants, along with the rest of my ensemble for the prom. You can't see it well, but my hair was blow dried up and heavily hairsprayed. It WAS the 80's, yanno.



The decorations.




And finally, one of the guys with an awesome earring.

I felt at the top of my game last night. I felt and looked great, if I can say so without sounding egotistical. Self esteem has always been a problem of mine, but last night, I haz it.

After prom, we went to Somewhere Else and caught a drag show and had a few jello shots, then sang karaoke with my friend Don (REM, the one I love) then ended the night at TeeJays with some breakfast.

Everyone should have a night that makes them feel this good.

Love you all.

So I flew in to see my Granma.
Left at 12:30 Saturday morning, with a two and a half hour layover in Chicago. Got in and was picked up by my sister at the St. Louis Airport at 4:15ish, after an absurd couple of calls between my sister and I trying to work out where we were in relation to each other.
Picked up Cathryn and went to the hospital. Granma was doing ok and looked better than she did the previous day, but still had fluid in her lungs and was very weak. She recognised me, and I held her hand and spoke to her. Mom didn't know I'd flown in until I saw her in the room.
We talked about what was going on and what was going to happen.
A feeding tube was placed in her nose on Sunday and she started receiving nourishment. Even in her current state, she's still able to understand everyone and everything that's going on around her and make her own decisions. she wants to fight and try to get better, and the neurologist seems to think that over time there will be improvement. There are no guarantees, but there's hope.
There were many people from many places coming to see her, filtering in and out of her room. I felt a bit helpless and along for the ride, as I didn't have my own car down there. Cathryn was bored, but we kept each other occupied in our secret excitement of seeing each other after so long. After considering options, I decided to make arrangements to fly back on Monday. I made dinner for Mom and Dad on Sunday night. Dad had seconds, so I suppose he liked it. Monday we got up very early and I boarded a plane for the third time in three days. I decided that Joplin's 'Summertime' at 10,000 feet is perfect. I flew through clouds and surveyed the patchwork plains while drinking gin and diet sprite. The stewardess gave me a dirty look when I ordered my drink, as it was only 8:50 in the morning on Monday. After the emotional stress I'd been though, her hairy eyeball and disapproving tone was a toll I gladly paid. Plus I had a free drink coupon for flying business class so suck it, bitch. Get my drink.

So now I'm back. Granma's still with us. She knows I was there, and that I love her dearly. Regardless of what happens from this point, I got a chance to remind her of what she already knew.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words, thoughts, and wishes.


Granma continued to get worse. What started as a mild stroke continued into a severe one. She's lost her right side. She has fluid in her lungs, and cannot swallow. They performed an MRI and they found that the damage done cannot be reversed. She is conscious and aware of the folks around her, and apparently isn't in pain.
She gave very explicit orders to my mom long ago that she did not want to be on life support, nor does she wish to be resuscitated. She's always done for herself.
Mom is meeting with a neurologist tomorrow. The words 'quality of life' were spoke of, and Mom made me aware that her condition would most likely not improve. Not improving means in order for her to live, she would require constant care, a permanent feeding tube, which qualifies as life support, I suppose. Also, with no way to cough up the fliud in her lungs, she could easily develop pneumonia.
I'll be leaving one way or another for Missouri tomorrow. I want to at least see her while she's still alive.

My Granma lived down the hill from my parent's house. I always had Granma's house to go to, whenever I pleased. She'd greet me with a 'well howdy!' And we'd play dominos or cards, or just chat. She'd make me peanut butter on bread with a little sugar sprinkled on top, and I'd visit with my Granpa and listen to him play the harmonica and sing, and dance little jigs. They were my family, just as much as my Mom and Dad.
Granpa got Alzheimer's, and passed away in a nursing home in 2000, I believe.
Granma lived alone after that, still doing just exactly what she wanted. She'd drive herself to church every Sunday. Thursday she'd play cards with her sister. She made beautiful quilts, and made quite a business selling them. I have three of them.
Christmas was always held at her house. In my eyes, she was like the matriarch of our family. She led a long, wonderful, honest life. She touched many lives, and made them each better for having known her.
I'm going to miss her.

History will die with her. Sadly, I didn't get to hear all of her stories, but I'll never forget what I do know. I'm glad that Cathryn got to know her, as well. Cathryn will remember her, too.

It's so hard this way. Knowing that she's still alive now, but won't be very, very soon. I feel so helpless. I feel like it would have been better to just go in her sleep. Long goodbyes are heartwrenching.

I love her so very much. I know she loves me, too. Her life was full of love.

And when it comes down to it, that's all a life can truly be quantified by, I think.

My Granma had a stroke yesterday and is in the hospital. I don't know much, other than Mom said it affected her right side and her speech.
I've been a mess all day on the inside, not knowing and not able to go down there and see her or find out anything.

On the outside, I've been my 'professional work' self. Just answering questions and processing email and requests, and trying hard not to think about anything else.

I've only laughed once today, but it was a good laugh. Still, normally I can't tell you how many times I've chuckled throughout a day.

I just want her to be okay.

Cathryn will be up here on the evening of June 2.

*does happy dance*